As you well-informed readers know, Da Yang Seafoods was fined $105,000 by the Department of Environmental Quality for dumping effluent into the Columbia River and Youngs Bay between 2018 and 2021 (see story here).
What was in all of that effluent? No, it wasn’t rockfish guts. It was a fascinating range of surprising cannery artifacts.
Here are the top 5 waste products they’ve dropped into the watershed lately :
1) Fifteen Metric Tons of Pamphlets Defaming Pacific Seafoods
2) Forty Four Metric Tons of Labels Removed from Cheap Rubber Boots Purchased from Walmart
Managing the bottom line is a pain in the buns. Management has taken to purchasing generic brands of rubber boots at Walmart and replacing their labels with XTRATUF ones to placate brand- and image-conscious cannery workers.
3) Two Hundred and Thirty Metric Tons of Forklifts and Forklift Operators
4) Twelve Metric Tons of Positive COVID-19 Binovax Tests
5) One Half Metric Ton of Bornsteins
Da Yang loathes the competition as much as the next company and take any opportunity to toss a Bornstein into the Columbia when one is in town.
Da Yang is appealing the $105,000 fine, largely based on the fact that the competitor Bornstein family can swim and are able to safely return themselves to the Port of Astoria post-river toss. So, technically, they were unlikely to have any long-lasting impact on the Columbia or Youngs Bay ecosystem.
6) .07 Metric Tons of Chinese CCP Propaganda Hip Hop Artist, Su Han
The executives at Da Yang’s parent company, Lung Soon Ocean Group, are experts at managing the top line, the bottom line, and any external risks that might negatively affect company valuation.
The primary corporate risks include global warming and its impact on fisheries, various supply chain and transportation disruptions, and employee shortages that arise from pandemics, such as COVID-19. But, as a Taiwanese company, the largest external risk to their valuation is the threat of Chinese re-unification.
That’s why they can’t stand the Chinese CCP’s illest propaganda hip hop artist, Su Han, who’s always dropping sick rhymes and beats about China’s global relevance and importance. Whenever Su Han passes through Astoria on a world tour, Da Yang employees are quick to toss him in the river.
There you have it. Top 5 things Da Yang is adding to the local ecosystem in its effluent.
Happy new year,
The Warrenton Warrior
The Warrenton Warrior Reader 