Clatsop County 2042: The Prophecies

It’s that time of year again when the Warrenton Warrior analyzes the data, summarizes the trends, and ignores the position of the stars to make his predictions about life in Clatsop County 20 years from now.

Many of my predictions will upset you. The future will be challenging. But it’s better to be prepared than be caught off-guard. You have 20 years to train, start eating right, build up your strength and endurance, and develop a comprehensive set of wilderness and urban survival skills.

And always remember that knowledge is power. Or, at least it will be until 2038. That’s when civil society collapses in Clatsop County. College-educated adults will be stripped of all lands and titles, and permits will be required to read any text besides the Twilight saga and the Da Vinci Code. After 2038, power’s more or less defined by how big you are, how fast you can run, and where you stand in the Clatsop County Supreme Council court’s pecking order.

It’s also important to put your future in context. Clatsop County might not be ranked as one of the greatest places to live on Earth right now. But it’s a far cry from being the worst. Nothing is going to change on that front. Clatsop County’s livability will continue to rank far above Syria, Honduras, the Russian border of Ukraine and any US town named after a state followed by the word “city” (e.g., Oklahoma City, Kansas City, Oregon City, etc.)… even if it does take a surprising and precipitous fall compared to some sleepers like Condon, OR, Ontario, OR, and the new U.S. Capitol (simply known as the “Capitol”) located somewhere in the Rocky Mountains.

I recommend you pour yourself one last drink, take a seat, and pay close attention to these disturbing prophecies.

1. Battery Russell will become THE retail hotspot on the northern Oregon coast

Caruso Properties will make some bold changes to Fort Stevens State Park

Rick Caruso’s LA-based real estate company will make some quick changes to Fort Stevens after he acquires it from the long-defunct Oregon Parks and Recreation Department. Among those changes will be the complete re-imagination of civil-war era military bunkers into a sprawling shopoplex of mildly upscale formula retail and distinctive over-priced chain dining.

2. The landing page hasn’t changed since December 11th, 2030… and nobody has noticed

Screengrab of taken on Jan 1, 2042

Whether it’s because of a staff shortage, declining subscribers and ad revenue, or the fact that nobody really cares anymore, the website will remain completely unchanged for over 12 years. Although, they will continue to publish one annual edition in the great oral tradition.

3. Road improvements on Highway 26 will make regular travel to Portland untenable

Tolls during daylight hours will hover around $150 to $250 depending on traffic volume. Oregon E-ZPass will be required.

In 2028, voters in Multnomah, Washington, Tillamook and Clatsop counties will pass coordinated local ballot measures to fund high-speed rail between downtown Portland, Tillamook and Astoria. As part of a ten year plan, tolls will be implemented along Highway 26 and passing lanes will be removed to create space for the railway.

Passing lanes will be removed between Manning and Seaside

By 2042, the high-speed rail will have only been built from downtown Portland to Beaverton, but the miseries of traveling along highway 26 will persist. What was once a 1 hour and 45 minute drive from Portland to Warrenton will slowly creep to 3 hours (if you can afford those tolls).

4. North Coast Business Park’s quick service restaurant plans are nearly complete

The North Coast Business Park will contain (at least) 5 McDonalds, 2 Wendys, 7 Starbucks, and at least 40 other fast-food restaurants

While the Warrenton City Commission’s plan to have at least one of each major U.S.-based quick service restaurant (QSR) by 2042 will not be achieved, the progress will still be noteworthy.

Specific achievements will include the completion of several zones of its ambitious QSR theme park, including:

  • NJ Turnpike Land (Sbarros, Starbucks, and Auntie Anne’s)
  • Mass Turnpike Land (same as NJ Turnpike Land, plus Dunkin Donuts)
  • NY Thruway Land (3 McDonalds, 3 Burger Kings, one Sbarros, and 4 Starbucks)
  • California I-5 Land (In-n-Out, Jack in the Box, Carl’s Jr and 2 McDonalds)
  • Texas I-35 Corridor Land (5 or 6 Whataburgers and nothing else)

5. Warrenton’s population to exceed 100,000 residents

Residential development will finally match the number of fast food restaurants and big box stores in Warrenton

On the bright side for Warrenton, the rapid population increase will cement Warrenton’s rightful place as the economic and cultural capital of the entire Oregon Coast, since it will be the largest city directly on the Pacific Ocean north of San Francisco.

On the not-so-bright side for Warrenton, the Warrenton City Commission will give developers some very sweet tax breaks. Warrenton’s operating budget will remain the same as it was in 2022.

5.2. Seaside Shooutout customers are increasingly radicalized

Active shooter trying his hand at the Seaside Shooutout Gallery

6. Olney Ferry will run twice-a-day over former Highway 202

I wouldn’t worry if you miss the ferry, there’s not much of a reason to commute in Clatsop County in 2042

You’ll remember the good old days when Highway 202 was flooded by the occasional king tide. Traveling to-and-from the “interior” of Clatsop County will become increasingly complex in the next two decades, starting with ferry service and, ultimately ending in small, hand-powered helicopters fashioned from car scraps and plastic floor fans.

7. Gearhart finalizes managed retreat

Amphibian cows and bulls: not to be messed with

Speaking of floods, it won’t be the rising tides that ultimately force Gearhart residents into refugee camps along highways 26 and 30. It will be the mutations that allows its local elk to remain underwater for up to 2 hours before re-surfacing to breathe.

Genetic drift is a bitch, and generations of inbreeding among Gearhart’s elk will lead to a broad range of phenotypic changes, ultimately transforming them into the apex predator of the city. 2042 will be the tipping point when Gearhart residents shift from being the hunters to being the hunted.

8. 95% of Clatsop County’s economy will be brewery-based

9. Astoria Country Club will finally be renamed “Warrenton Country Club”

The issue will be settled

Aside from new signage, members can also look forward to a new dining experience at the clubhouse. The a-la-carte menu will be replaced by an all-day buffet, which will feature Warrenton regional classics, including room-temperature scrambled eggs, jojos and chum bowls.

10. Goonies 2 will bomb at the box office

Familiar (CGI) faces return for a somber and introspective Goonies sequel

In Goonies 2, five old friends, Brand, Mikey, Chunk, Data and Mouth, reunite for a weekend road trip to the Cascade mountain range east of Portland, Oregon. For Mikey, the weekend outing offers a respite from the pressure of his imminent third divorce; for Mouth, it is part of a long series of carefree adventures.

As the hours progress and the landscape evolves, the five friends move through a range of subtle emotions, enacting a pilgrimage of mutual confusion, sudden insight, and recurring intimations of spiritual battle.

When they arrive at their final destination, a hot spring in an old growth forest, they must either confront the divergent paths they have taken, or somehow transcend their growing tensions in an act of forgiveness and mourning. After soaking in the hot springs for a while, they all drive back to Astoria.

11. Astoria will be annexed by the State of Jefferson during Civil War 2.0. Hilarity to ensue

Astoria’s experiments in libertarianism will have some very funny moments

Utopian experiments rarely turn out the way you expect. For example, in 1982, nobody would have guessed that the Rajneeshpuram in Wasco County, Oregon would generate so much anxiety about salad bars throughout the next decade.

Less unexpected is the dysfunction that will occur when the State of Jefferson annexes Astoria during Civil War 2.0. The libertarian “government” will quickly defund any public programs, including schools, public libraries, post-offices, road maintenance, and the city’s garbage and recycling contract with Recology Western Oregon.

Astorians will be alarmed by the sudden introduction of bears, who will thrive off haphazardly deposited food waste. Over time, bear’s virus-infected brains will become fearless and eventually displace human hosts from any unfortified residence. That Astoria’s lone police patrol car will only be operable for 1 or 2 days a month won’t help matters.

12. Clatsop County Supreme Council is formed

Former Mayors Dr. Jay Barber, Henry Balensifer, and Bruce Jones, will form the Clatsop County Supreme Council; here they are handing judgment down to their vassalage in Ilwaco, WA

Someone had to fill the Clatsop County power vacuum after Civil War 2.0. Might as well be the formidable triumvirate of early 21st century Clatsop County mayors representing its three major economic regions: Seaside, Warrenton, and Astoria.

While their rise to county omnipotence will bring much-needed peace between previously warring municipalities (and an alternative source of government to the rarely-functioning State of Jefferson), their incessant bullying of minor tribal regions will be legendary. Cannon Beach, Knappa and the area generally known as “Lewis and Clark” will become vassals and mere shells of their former glory.

Quick shout out to Henry Balensifer for his two most notable achievements by 2042: First, being the youngest mayor in Warrenton history. Second, being the first (and youngest) regional Council Emporer in Oregon state history.

13. Warrenton Wikipedia page will be vandalized

Yeah, this will surprise exactly nobody. The Warrenton Warrior used to vandalize the Warrenton Wikipedia page in 2006.

It will happen again.

Warrenton is a fictional city
Warenton commerce
The Warrior is hungry and needs a snack from the Mini Mart
This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image-8.png
Find the vandalisms yourself, if you want to. The Warrior is tired of drawing red circles

14. Local militia will declare martial law on all county beaches

Older, middle-aged white guys sharing the decoration and accessorization skills they honed over thousands of hours spent playing with GI Joe dolls

On May 15th, 2042, the leader of one of the local militias will issue the following statement:

“As of this day forward, we are the sole authority and patrolling agency of all beaches between Tillamook Head and the former site of the Peter Iredale wreck. All individuals and activities in this area are now under our jurisdiction. Our objectives are benevolent. Our primary goal is to help motorists in distress. We will also educate visitors and locals alike on automotive beach safety and teachings on the ‘Americanism’ of the Confederate flag.”

In a follow-up interview with the still-going-strong, annual publication, The Astorian, a beach militia spokesperson will clarify their position on displaying the Confederate flag.

“It’s about honoring all U.S. veterans. Families fought against each other in the civil war, or something like that. I don’t know”, according to the spokesperson. “We’ll fly any flag for any US veteran. Except the British Union flag of the British loyalists, obviously. That’s beyond the pale.”

“Oh, and we definitely won’t fly the Lincoln Brigade flag that Americans used in the Spanish Civil War”, the spokesperson will add. “That was fought by a bunch of effeminate intellectual-types, like Ernest Hemingway. Plus, we don’t agree with their motivations to intervene and fight in an un-winnable foreign conflict.”

On the bright side, there will only be 1 to 2 meters of beach width from the water’s edge to the back of the shoreline during low tide in 2042. So, there won’t be much area to patrol.

15. Left-leaning protestors will provide free car detailing at the Astoria Co-Op parking lot

A good plan, poorly executed

Although they are well-intentioned and (probably) on the right-side of history, very-left leaning protestors will continue to lose the war of hearts and minds in 2042.

Taking a cue from the beach auto rescue militias, they will offer free auto detailing to Astoria Co-Op customers in 2042. But, alas, their ethical duty to destroy carbon-producing property will thwart their community outreach efforts.

16. Locals will complain about rich Idaho residents moving to Astoria and driving up housing prices

Typical rich Idahoan monstrosity

Remember the good old days when Californians were the most invasive species in Clatsop County? You haven’t seen nothing yet. Idaho’s meteoritic rise to economic supremacy will peak during Civil War 2.0’s reconstruction era, and their billionaire masses will descend onto the coastal areas of Clatsop County, driving up housing costs, reducing the availability of men’s v-neck sweaters, and creating walls of McMansions that will block your view of the Pacific Ocean and/or Columbia River.

16.9. Abortions must be scheduled no later than 6 weeks before conception

Sexually active adults will be forced to schedule abortions weeks in advance of intercourse, per new state guidelines

There’s only one law that your new libertarian State of Jefferson state government will try to enforce in 2042: All abortions will be illegal unless scheduled no later than 6 weeks before conception.

If that’s not enough to freak you out, maybe this next one will.

17. Clatsop Community College will revamp its curriculum to address new economic needs

Breaking ground on a new chapter on job training in Clatsop County

Get excited for some new educational programs designed to meet the evolving needs of Clatsop County residents and their new economy.

By 2042, Clatsop Community will offer 2-year associate degrees and professional certification in the following areas of study:

  • European green crab pot lead line splicing 101
  • Urban foraging
  • Clatsop County Scanner FB Page contributor certification
  • Lyft app operation
  • Encampment management
  • Flooded meadow navigation
  • 19th century Scandinavian American troll studies
  • Smoking

18. The Warrenton Warrior’s true identity will be revealed and it turns out he never visited, let alone lived in, Warrenton or Clatsop County

Warrior in name, change in image | Local News |
…well, not really. But that would be very effed up.

There you have it, buds. The Warrenton Warrior’s predictions about 2042 in Clatsop County. Remember: Don’t despair. Prepare!

Till next time,

The Warrenton Warrior

4 thoughts on “Clatsop County 2042: The Prophecies

  1. This is beautiful.

    On Tue, Jan 25, 2022 at 8:22 PM The Warrenton Warrior Reader wrote:

    > warrentonwarrior posted: ” It’s that time of year again when the Warrenton > Warrior analyzes the data, summarizes the trends, and ignores the position > of the stars to make his predictions about life in Clastop County 20 years > from now. Many of the predictions below will upse” >

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What a wonderful, delightful, heartwarmingful guide to the future! All of the prophecies are certain to be fulfilled, in the same way that an infinite number of monkey typists are certain to turn out all of Shakespeare’s plays…eventually. Love it! Also the alternative spelling of “Clatsop”.

    Liked by 1 person

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