Millennials, generally defined as anyone who is younger than you (and I’m talking about you specifically), are a psychologically tortured generation. They reportedly:
- Earn less money than you
- Have a lower BMI than you
- Are less likely to suffer from male-pattern baldness
- Have fewer wrinkles
- Drive a cheaper car
- Have less certainty about their futures
- Were born after you
- Are more likely to recognize 3 or more Rihanna songs
- Wear different clothes than you did when you were their age.
- Are less likely to have naturally graying hair than you
- Are less likely to suffer from type 2 diabetes, dementia, or a range of cardiovascular diseases than you
- Are less likely to have adult-aged children
- Are currently more liberal than you, but over time, experts predict that they will become more conservative
The Warrior did an obligatory Google search and found hundreds, if not thousands, of things that this self-centered generation has destroyed. These include napkins, bar soap, roll-on deodorant, fabric softener, Kraft Singles, and the institution of marriage. Such a selfish generation.
Enough small talk. Here are the 7 things that Millennials are killing in Warrenton, Oregon:
7. The Admiral House Restaurant
Millenials starting killing this place almost as soon as they were born. The millennials first forced a sale and rebrand of the Admiral House into something else in the mid 80s, but the Warrior can’t remember what the place was called. They destroyed that place into Denny’s in the mid 90s. When nobody was watching, a group of South Clatsop County people swooped in and destroyed Denny’s and turned it into a Dooger’s. The Warrior was too lazy to look into when this happened, but it was probably the late ’90s or early 2000s.
I have no idea what the inside of Dooger’s looks like. If it’s anything like it used to look like when it was a Denny’s or Admiral House, you can thank the Admiral for those ridiculous “Gulls” and “Buoys” signs on the bathroom doors and the vaguely kelp-like metal sculptures that divide (what used to be) the smoking and non-smoking sections of the main dining room. You can also thank it for one of the smallest, but best, bars in Warrenton Oregon. If that little dive bar still exists back there by the bathrooms, on the West side of the building, you’re lucky to be alive and in Warrenton.
If the “gulls” and “buoys” signs are gone, that weird little dive bar by the bathrooms is missing, or the vaguely kelp-like sculptures that divide the former smoking and non-smoking section are gone, it’s probably because the millennials killed those. I feel sorry for any of you who never saw these things.
6. Coast-to-Coast Hardware
It took a while, but Millennials dealt a death-blow to Coast-to-Coast in 2003. But it was a slow killing. The first hit came in 1989, right around peak millennial birthing, when Coast-to-Coast moved from Main St. to E. Harbor Drive. The original Main St. location famously launched Rowdy Roddy Piper’s career (see story here). Another big hit came when the Coast-to-Coast brand was puchased by True Value… just a garbage organization with no marketing chops. It was all downhill from there. Thanks a lot, Millennials.
5. The Warrenton Grade School Library
The Warrenton Warrior was Google Searching for “Warrenton Grade School Library Pit” because he wanted to write something funny about the little amphitheater in the library being destroyed by millennials. But, instead, he came across some news that the school removed 1/3rd of the library space for more gym room back in 2016.
What the flip? Warrenton has miles upon miles of open space, including Fort Stevens, for exercise. Long, flat, open spaces. Plenty of fields and large back yards. But not a whole lotta libraries or book stores. You could say the Warrior was a little surprised when he read this. Heck, he’s even going to break character here.
Some of the Warrenton Warrior’s friends from other parts of the Pacific Northwest that know of Warrenton, Oregon poke fun of the Warrenton Warrior for being a product of the “Warrenton System”. But the Warrior defends the system, particularly the education the Warrior received at the Grade School.
Don’t get me wrong, the Warrior had some bastsh*t crazy elementary school teachers, including one 6th grade teacher that had the class construct castles using sugar cubes for the better part of two months. But, by Junior High, the education was surprisingly excellent for a town with Warrenton’s size and tax base. Librarian Kathy Merritt, in particular, had an out-sized impact on the Warrior’s intellectual and academic interests. Just a fantastic and supportive librarian who attracted interesting authors to the school and gave fantastic reading recommendations to students. She was one of several teachers there that made me interested in a bigger world. The Warrior went to fucking Reed College, for christsakes… I mean, come on. How many Warrentonians are into that sort of scene? A lot of credit goes to Merritt and a handful of other faculty for a highly engaging and rewarding education (although I suspect she would be horrified by my writing style, as I write these posts faster than I can think and rarely proof read).
But more “PE” space? What is wrong with you people? That library was a flippin’ gem. It was even architecturally interesting.
So great work on ruining one of Warrenton’s better features, Millennials. Just a garbage, garbage move.
If there are any elected Millennial officials that backed this move, the Warrior is coming for you next election cycle. Mark my words.
2. The Salmon and Albacore Fishing Industries
I’m so upset about you guys destroying the library that the Warrior is going to withhold #3 and #4 for another time. Maybe you can go and look them up in the new, but much smaller Warrenton Grade School Library.
Anyway, you probably don’t know this (because you’re too busy replacing libraries with more gym space), but Astoria, Oregon was once the great Salmon and Albacore canning capital of the world. In fact, even as recently as the the 1960’s, Astoria’s Bumblee Bee Seafoods was headquartered there and was the world’s largest salmon-canning company.
But, in 1980, right when the very first Millennial slipped from their mother and started their crazy killing spree, Bumble Bee relocated to San Diego, California. The board of directors had the foresight to move there, knowing full-well that it was only a matter of time before Warrenton Grade School destroyed its library. That, plus Scripps Institution of Oceanography, located in La Jolla, would prove to be a much better source of seafood scientists than the institutions of higher learning in Clatsop County, such as the Job Corps at Tongue Point.
You see Warrenton, you have to invest in things like libraries to maintain your economic dominance. Pacific Coast Seafood will leave you for Seaside, if you’re not careful. You’ll be annexed by Gearhart! What are you thinking!!!
1. The Warrenton Warrior
The Millennials killed the Warrenton Warrior about 2 years ago, uprooting him from the green grasses of Warrenton High School and plopping him down, sans ceremony, in a waste land between Mini Mart and the post office.
Killing the Warrior has some upside: it has allowed Pacific Seafood’s scientists to conduct an in-depth analysis of the Warrior’s physical composition.
It is somewhat well-known that the Warrior is actually composed of hundreds of smaller warriors.
Less well-known is that each of those little Warriors are composed of hundreds of even littler warriors. And those littler Warriors are composed of even smaller little Warriors, and so on.
The scientists at Pacific Seafoods have already discovered about 250 billion little Warriors in the Warrenton Warrior statue (that’s about as many Warriors as there are stars in the Milky Way). They currently have a couple of centrifuges on loan from Point Adams Packing Co. to see if they can further reduce the Warrior into its most basic, fundamental elements. We’ll keep you posted as the research progresses.
Happy New Year!
The Warrenton Warrior