The Warrenton Warrior Sets The Record Straight

Dear Clatsop County Readers,

The Warrior has been reporting on a range of economic and social issues on the Northern Oregon Coast over the past month. For reasons beyond the Warrior’s comprehension, many of you seem to be spreading misinformation that I want to address head-on:

1. The Warrenton Warrior Has a Team of Writers

Sorry charlie, just one person writing this stuff.

The Warrenton Warrior is one person and one writer. The Warrenton Warlock is a second writer here, that has only written one lousy investigative piece that ranks schools in Warrenton, Oregon (so get to it, Warlock).

The Warrenton Warrior does employ a team of forensic scientists, archivists, local historians, vigilantes, and theologians to conduct his research, though. So he’s not totally alone. He often plagiarizes from other websites… so it might appear that there is more than one writer here.

2. The Warrenton Warrior Is Misinformed and Uneducated


As I mentioned above, the Warrenton Warrior employs an impressive research team. He’s informed as heck.

I’m not going make any claims about that information being used properly, or that the Warrior always comes to the right conclusions. That’s why he’s writing on this site and not for the Daily Astorian or producing some sort of conservative talk radio show on KMUN (but, that’s a really good idea if any of you want to run it by the station manager there).

The Warrenton Warrior is also a product of the Warrenton School system. So, you tell me, does that make him uneducated?

3. The Warrenton Warrior’s Real Identity Is Unknown

Totally untrue.

Some of you know exactly who writes for this site.

But I don’t understand why so many people keep asking, “I wonder who writes this garbage?” Ever think of asking the Warrior directly? He’ll totally tell you. You can find him between the Mini Mart and post office where Skipanon Dr. intersects Main St.

4. The Warrenton Warrior Is Ironic/Sarcastic/Trolling You/Satirical

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I’ve looked carefully at the Warrenton Warrior’s writings and, while some of the details might be off here or there (nobody’s perfect), I stand by everything I’ve written. It’s 100% real. I mean all of it.

To set the record straight on some disputed points of view:

  • I really like Fultano’s; Any time I’m in Clatsop County, to my family’s horror, I eat it as much as possible
  • There’s a very good chance Lewis and Clark were (at least a little) douchey towards Coboway
  • Sunset Beach is an unincorporated part of Clatsop County that Warrenton should annex
  • Rosalie did have a bait and tackle shop in Hammond and it’s just as amazing as everyone says it is
  • Millennials are younger than you (yes, you specifically)
  • Nutria are degenerate scum and I wish they never set foot here or anywhere outside of the Amazon rain forests
  • Warrenton School District seriously effed up the library at Warrenton Grade School
  • There really are a lot of dead seals that wash up on the berm along the Columbia River
  • Warrenton mayor, Henry Balensifer, does not think it’s a great idea to create Skipanon River 2.0 so that we can move Point Adams Packing Co. to the North Coast Business Park.

But, did William Clark’s daughter open up the first Dairy Maid in Warrenton? Did Lil Xan’s mom really tattoo her own name on his face in Alder Manor? Did Rowdy Roddy Piper really trip his balls off in Coast to Coast?

I’m just going to assume you can figure all of this stuff out on your own. You probably went to the same schools that the Warrenton Warrior did.

Your buddy,

The Warrenton Warrior

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