The Warrenton Warrior Solves Your Homeless Problem

Many of you have asked The Warrior to apply his analytical skills to the homeless situation in Warrenton. While flattered, The Warrior is completely unqualified to address this serious problem.

So here he goes.

Step 1: Charge tolls for westbound traffic on the Young’s Bay Bridge.

No toll going this way. That’s key.

If someone has only $5 left in his/her pocket, they’re more likely to spend it on scratch tickets at the Astoria Mini Mart than pay the toll to Warrenton.

This will cut off the stream of homeless at the source.

Step 2: Build dormitory-style housing for Pacific Coast Seafood employees (all of them).

Pac Seafoods CEO, Frank Dulcic, has offered to move his family into dormitory-style housing if the Warrenton Planning Commission approves his plan.

This could house otherwise transient cannery workers as well as their corporate executives, including parent company, Pacific Seafood CEO, Frank Dulcic. A controversial solution to housing in Warrwnton, Dulcic has promised the Warrenton Planning Council that he will personally move his wife and 6 children from their 10,000-square foot home in Edmond, WA to the dorms if the city approves them.

We’re going to hold you to that, Dulcic.

Update: an interesting documentary about factories with dormitory style housing was recently released. It’s called Sorry to Bother You and it highlights the economic and social benefits of dorm-like housing in factories, focused on a corporation called WorryFree.

Step 3 (for those of you who live paycheck to paycheck): Stop spending money.

Store it somewhere safe, above sea-level, in your home. If your home is below sea-level, consider putting your cash in a safe at whatever bank is still in Warrenton. Start shoplifting. Make your own clothes. Start riding a bike instead of driving. Pick up an extra shift at Pacific Seafoods. Don’t do anything fun and live a monk-like lifestyle. Don’t dare make eye-contact with your economic overlords.

Step 3 (for the economic elite of Warrenton):

Ayn Rand, deep thinker and mediocre writer

Don’t let your subjects convince you to build affordable housing or support any sort of social safety net for the community. Threaten to go full John Galt on their asses if they push you too far, and be prepared to abandon your business empire (looking at you, Fulton family). Watch as the economy crumbles, an appropriate punishment for your insolent employees and customers. Like Ayn Rand told you, it’s immoral to help people out and support a safe and healthy democracy. For one, people will never learn to help themselves. Also, it’s your moral responsibility to be selfish as heck so you invent stuff (or something like that, I’ve never been interested in reading Ayn Rand so I’m just paraphrasing what I imagine she might write about).

Step 4: Ban the sale of tents within Warrenton, Oregon

Tent City near Highway 101 in San Francisco

What happened to the good old days when hobos lived on trains, under bridges, or maybe in a cardboard box? Those days are long-gone, and you’ve probably noticed that homeless today have some pretty nice tents. Where are they getting those tents? Is REI giving them away?

Anyway, if you can’t see those bright tents, the homeless probably don’t exist. So ban the sale of tents in Warrenton.

Problem solved, Warrenton. You’re welcome.


The Warrenton Warrior

P.S. The Warrior is just effing with you. If you really want to address homelessness, you need to: a) push for the construction of long-term affordable housing in your area b) pressure the planning commission and your mayor to bring in businesses that provide a living wage (e.g., Fultano’s Coporate HQ…), c) support and vote for state-level candidates who reject regressive tax schemes, d) insist your state reps re-think Oregon’s approach to mental health and reject the “communitization” of mental health services for the severely disabled, e) support and vote for state-level candidates that reject predatory municipal court fees that can put otherwise good people into a state of usury, and f) support and vote for federal-level candidates who believe in a strong social safety net for all Americans– because, heck, even if you think you can drive for Lyft if things get really bad, who are you going to drive around if we’re all driving for Lyft? But, remember, if you’re kinda into homelessness, you don’t need to do any of those things. This isn’t political or anything like that.

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