10 Most Invasive Plant Species in Warrenton, Oregon

Each week the Warrenton Warrior asks his loyal base of co-investigators what he should explain the following week on the highly-trafficked Warrentonwarrior.com website. He puts 5-7 options up for a vote, and this week you voted in “most invasive plant species in Warrenton, Oregon”.

Interesting choice, everyone.

“Most invasive species” narrowly defeated “best places to hunt from your car or truck in Warrenton.” I admit some relief. Some of you cannot discern the gray area between good and bad ideas. I figured several of you would read my post and start shooting at Elk with their Wal-Mart purchased Red Ryder air rifles right at the intersection of Fort Clatsop Road and the 101 Business Route (that would have been #5 on the list). I had a similar feeling when I recommended that you cut down your own Christmas trees at Fort Clatsop during the government shutdown. Just a sinking suspicion that your Warrenton life might imitate Warrior art.

The one candidate that you keep voting down is “Top 20 Roads in Warrenton, Oregon.” Not a single one of you voted for that one this week. And I believe I was the only person that voted for it the two previous weeks. That’s a big mistake. I’m confident that this week, when I make that the only option you can vote for, you will vote for it, it will win and you’ll wonder why you waited so long for something so right.

But I’m stuck with invasive plant species this week, so let’s get this over with.

The Warrenton Warrior’s winter interns conducted in-depth research on the natural history of Warrenton, Oregon this morning and their findings are positively thrilling.

There is no evidence of invasive plant species ever growing within the city limits. In fact, most plant species previously thought to be invasive were actually developed here by biology futurists at Bio Products (now called, “Bio Oregon”), on the Eastern edges of the Hammond district.

The gates of BioOregon (FKA “Bio Products”). What strange plants are they developing there right now?

Let’s take a closer look at some of Bio Products top 10 most nefarious creations:

10. Scotch Broom (Cytisus scoparius)

Bio Products Scotch Broom Clone 5454461

Is scotch broom (scotchbroom?) one word or two words? The Warrior doesn’t really care.

This plant was developed by Bio Product’s scientists to prevent dune sand erosion and keep its valuable labs and local properties from sinking into the Columbia River.

Scotch broom was initially hailed a “massive success” by the Clatsop County scientific community. However, no one expected it to so successfully compete against so-called native flora. To this day, Bio Products/BioOregon is engaged in a massive cover up operation, promoting misinformation about its actual origins in scientific literature and on Wikipedia (where it states that scotch broom is originally from western Europe… good one, guys).

8. Salal (Gaultheria shallon)

One of the few remaining Salal plants in the world, found near the observation deck at Fort Clatsop in Warrenton, Oregon

Bio Products developed the Salal as a new soft-serve ice cream flavor at Dairy Maid. The flavor never took off, and now the species is in radical decline. Only a handful of Salal plants exist today, all within the federally protected lands of Fort Clatsop National Monument. Park rangers encourage park visitors, particularly out-of-towners, to eat the berries in hopes of spreading the seeds to other wild parts of the United States.

6 & 7 (tied) Western Hemlock (
(Tsuga heterophylla) and Sitka Spruce

Number one menace to Warrenton, Oregon properties: The dreaded Sitka Spruce

Chances are, when a really big tree falls on your home in Warrenton, Oregon, it’s either a sitka spruce or western hemlock. These “giants” of the North West were developed by lunatic Bio Products scientists as an intimidation tactic for local politicians. Whenever a zoning rule, easement or tax code didn’t go there way in the early days of Warrenton, some executive at Bio Products would tell the city council members, “Hey, that spruce tree by your house is getting pretty tall, I’d hate to see that thing fall on your house.” Such jerks.

5. The Coastal Redwood (Sequoia sempervirens)

Tree hugger paradise, Muir Woods, located in Marin County, California. With so many Californians moving to Warrenton, this is what Fort Stevens will look like in several years.

Maybe it’s Obama’s so-called “global warming”. Or maybe it’s all of the Californians moving to Clatsop County. Who knows, but this is one invasive species, not created by Bio Products, that’s popping up all over Warrenton.

With all of the redwoods moving to Warrenton, it is just a matter of time before the Bay Area’s liberal politics, Teslas and hot tubs follow suit. You’ve been warned, Warrenton.

3. Saguaro (Carnegiea gigantea)

Just going to move along to the next one here.

2. This Stuff

Taken back in November of 2015, this house is somewhere between Main Street and SE Anchor Ave

The Warrior took this picture on November 25th, 2015. I was visiting my mom for Thanksgiving and took a little drive down memory lane in Warrenton. And then I saw this. Not sure if this thing is still there, or if it’s even the same person living there, but god I really hope this person’s neighbors made their life miserable.

The Oregon Coast is a special place. Great people, great environment to raise kids in, great access to quality food (or at least ingredients) and what not. So, why do Warrentonians tolerate this crap? Why didn’t you shame this person into taking this thing down? Are you not proud of your community?

1. Skunk Cabbage (Lysichiton americanus)

Skunk cabbage was genetically engineered to give Nutria an especially local flavor.

When Bio Products scientists moved to Hammond/Warrenton from other parts of the U.S., they were surprised that the local nutria was so bland compared to the much swampier nutria in the American south. Not to be outdone by their Louisianan counterparts who were publishing volumes of nutria cookbooks in the 60s (yeah, that was a thing), they developed the western skunk cabbage to give the Warrenton nutria that special local flavor.

So, there you have it. The 10 most invasive plant species in Warrenton, Oregon.

You guys voted for this topic. You get what you ask for.


The Warrenton Warrior

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