Top 5 Reasons to Wear a Mask in Clatsop County

I’m not going to write about wearing masks because of Covid-19. I don’t even want to come near that powder keg.

This is just about wearing masks for the fun of it.

Here’s why I won’t address this very sensitive public health/constitutional issue. For one, I’m not a constitutional scholar and could never match the legal wit and moral compass of those who claim that wearing a mask is a deep infringement upon their civil rights. Secondly, while I love to watch people battle it out in the comments section of the Real Warrenton Warrior Facebook page, it’s also exhausting to moderate and ban people. So I’m just not going to go there.

These are the top 5 reasons to wear a mask in Clatsop County, even in the event that Covid-19 was created in a Wuhan lab, doesn’t exist and is about as dangerous as the flu:

6. You are attending the Swinger’s Convention at the Shilo Inn in Warrenton

If you plan on attending the 12th annual North Coast Swingers Association Convention at the Shilo Inn this year, do yourself a favor and wear a mask. It’s a small community.

5. You’re obviously exceeding your 15 bag clam limit on razor clams and don’t want any vigilantes ratting you out to the Oregon State Police.

Remember the days when you could break the law with impunity? Those days are long gone, thanks to all of these vigilantes with smart phones.

If you want to go a little over the 15 bag limit, be my guest. But the last thing you need is some young whipper snapper running up to you, calling you “Karen”, and sending incriminating evidence to the Oregon State Police.

Don’t be on the wrong-side of Instagram celebrity. Protect yourself. Wear a mask.

4. You want to hide your botched dental surgery

3. You’re visiting any Oregon beach north of Tillamook Head

This one’s obvious. Moving on…

2. You’re infiltrating the double-crested cormorant community as a mole for ODFW

If you’re anything like the Warrenton Warrior, you’re watching the double-crested cormorant news with bated breath.

The deep-state geniuses at the socialist Army Corp of Engineers reduced their habitat at East Sand Island a few years back, and these displaced little bastards now thrive under the Astoria-Megler bridge. Their famously acidic poop is destroying the bridge, and the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife has good intel that the cormorants are now plotting to expand their evil empire into commercial and residential areas of Astoria, Warrenton, and the economically and culturally inferior Washington village of Ilwaco.

Congratulations. You’ve been summoned to infiltrate their community, rise to a position of leadership, and squash these insane, destructive plans.

Now put on a good bird mask and get to work!

1. Because it’s my goddamned constitutional right to wear a mask!!!

One of the best parts of being an American is being free to do dangerous, offensive, and downright irritating things… all under the protection of the many amendments of the Constitution that I’ve never personally read and only have a cursory understanding of.

It doesn’t matter if wearing a mask makes you a complete creep. Do it because it is your right as a free citizen of the U.S.