The Top 5 Best (and Worst) Things About Ending the Pandemic in Clatsop County

We’ve all had a tough 15 months and the last thing your valuable time needs is some bozo like me telling you why that is.

So here’s why that is. You have been under some form of lockdown, at times without toilet paper, Dungeness crab, employment, clear public health guidance, and consistent high-quality content from the Warrenton Warrior.

And here are the Top 5 reasons to go to your local clinic and get that shot!

1. Bill Gates’ Trackable Microchips Will Help You Opt-Out of Unwanted Advertisements and COVID-19 Infections

Each dose of all brands of COVID-19 vaccines contain a small, undetectable microchip, courtesy of billionaire philanthropist, Bill Gates. This is part of Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation’s effort to help consumers manage their own data privacy. This particular microchip helps you to opt-out out of web-based tracking and personalized ads, much like the new privacy features Apple has rolled out with iOS 14.5.

But this microchip is even better, because you will no longer need an iPhone to opt-in or opt-out of unwanted advertisements. This microchip allows you do to do so by just thinking about it. When injected into the bloodstream, the chip is designed to pass through the blood-brain barrier and attach itself to your cerebral motor cortex on the third frontal convolution, just above the Sylvian fissure. Next, all you need to do is think “opt-out” and a microwave signal will send your decision to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation HQ, which will then trigger a notification to your mobile apps, all media companies, and third-party consumer data aggregators. It’s a simple and more elegant solution than clicking on a button on your phone.

Oh, and bonus points for the vaccines helping you to opt-out of getting a potentially life-threatening and incapacitating COVID-19 infection.

2. Clatsop County’s Vaccine Passports Will Contain Coupons For 25% Off Korean Fried Chicken at the Astoria KFC

When you are issued your official vaccine passport from the Oregon Health Authority, it will contain dozens of coupons to local businesses which, if all goes according to plan, will further stimulate the Oregon economy.

3. It is A Requirement to Live in the Pacific Seafoods Dormitories

Standard Pacific Seafoods Dormitory Suite

Although they are still under development, these dormitories for seasonal cannery workers will be the most desirable addresses in Clatsop County when they hit the market.

Seventy lucky applicants will get to share a living space in a former machine fabrication shop in Hammond (i.e., Warrenton) along the scenic Warrenton waterfront trail. Pacific Seafoods will give preference to its seasonal employees but, as part of an agreement with the City of Warrenton, any resident of Clatsop County can apply to live in these dorms. And at $2,000 a month per bed (just barely more than the average monthly salary for a Pacific Seafoods seasonal processor), this dorm life is a 100% bargain.

But there’s a catch. Given the extremely intimate living arrangement, you must show proof of COVID-19 vaccination in advance of your move-in.

4. Side Effects Include Drowsiness, So You Can Finally Get a Full Night’s Sleep

If you’re still suffering from pandemic anxieties, such as a lack of child care, work stressors, or illness, you’re also likely suffering from serious insomnia.

One of top side effects of COVID-19 vaccines is “tiredness”. So do something nice for yourself, get a shot, and some much-needed shut-eye.

5. Leading Expert Conspiracy Theorists Say They Are An Effective Form of Birth Control

It would be very selfish of you to bring another life into this crazy world.

If you believe that Monsanto is controlling our weather through chemtrails, that George Soros is funneling his fortune to fund radical-left protests in Portland, or that COVID-19 vaccines cause infertility in women, I strongly recommend getting the vaccine to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy.

With so much crazy stuff going on in the world, who are you to bring another helpless/hopeless life into it?

But let’s not forget that the pandemic has a few sliver linings too. Here are the top 5 reasons NOT to go into that clinic and get your shot!**

1. Warrentonians Will No Longer Be Required (By Public Order) To Stay 6 Feet Away From You

Warrentonians are huggers

There are few things more distressing than when a stranger Warrentonian sneaks up behind you while in the Wal-Mart check-out line, wraps their arms around you and pulls your body into a loving embrace.

Do your part to keep social distancing the norm, and don’t get the vaccine.

2. No More Righteous Indignation When Governor Brown Does Her Best to Protect You From Yourself

Governor Kate Brown’s May 2020 Press Conference at the Scapoose Fultano’s

Who does Governor Brown think she is? In a position of accountability for the health, safety and prosperity of Oregon’s residents? Get real!

3. You’ll Have To Visit Your Californian Relatives Again

“It’s so affordable here!”

The indignity of suffering through another holiday visit from your Californian relatives on the Oregon Coast is well worth not getting the shot. Every passive form of condescension, from reminding you of how “affordable” everything is to questioning the quality of the Oregon Coast outdoors (“why is the Ocean so gray here?”, “Saddle Mountain isn’t really a mountain, it’s more like a hill”) should solidify your position on the matter.

4. Everyone Will Suddenly Think Your Elise Stefanik Mask is Really Creepy

Sort of funny/not creepy

The brightest star of the pandemic has been the fact that you can wear any mask, at any time, in any setting sans social judgment or consequences. What was once a socially acceptable pastime will now be met with concern and deep dread from your fellow citizens.

5. You’ll Miss All of The Hilarious Airline Meltdown Videos

VIDEO: Woman refuses to wear mask properly on flight, yells at passengers |  KXAN Austin
Public condemnation of tyranny on commercial flights will seem far less batshit crazy when masks are not required

I used to fly a lot before the pandemic and have witnessed (and maybe instigated) a few flyer meltdowns.

We all understand why someone in boarding group 11 loses their mind when the overhead bins are full and they have to “gate check” their luggage. Or maybe they throw a fit when another passenger’s voluptuous body overflows onto their narrow coach seat. I feel for those that suffer the inconvience of not procuring the right bottle of wine or snack when sitting in seat 43B and all of the good stuff is gone by the time the food/drink cart gets to that sad row.

Is whining about it loudly and publicly obnoxious and selfish? Yes, it is. But I understand why you might get upset and relate to the misery. I have a little empathy, if not sympathy.

Far more delightful is not having to fly this year and watching internet videos of maskless marauders screaming their heads off about tyranny. Because any reasonable person would gladly trade double masking the rest of their life to avoid the standard, institutionalized insults of commercial airline travel.

Take the woman in the picture above. She was on an American Airlines flight from Charolette, NC to Washington DC (figures) when she removed her mask and declared, “If we don’t stand up, it’s just going to get worse.” That’s really funny sh*t during a pandemic.

But imagine how boring these would be without the pandemic. In a normal, non-pandemic setting, if she screamed, “If we don’t stand up, it’s going to get worse”, everyone around would shrug and think, “I guess she’s just really worried about leg cramps and the risks of deep vein thrombosis.”

6. Because It’s Your Goddamned Constitutional Right To Get As Nasty-Ass Sick As You Flippin’ Feel Like, Okay!!!

Cigarettes, Alcohol & Pot: Why Some Young Smokers Combine Drugs | Live  Science
I hear those vaccines give you blood clots. No thank you.

If you’re eligible to get one of the FDA approved COVID-19 vaccines, don’t do it to protect yourself, your family, friends, co-workers, or others in your community. The reason not do it because it is your God-given right to let nature take its course. If the founding fathers, God, or some other expert in modern infectious diseases wanted you to get this Vaccine, they would have written about it it by now. And believe me, you’d be the first to know.

Don’t waste your time with Western medicine. I can sell you some very effective salmonberry tinctures to ward off viral infections
I’ve studied the scientific literature, and coughing all over you at the Crab Festival is DEFINITELY the best route to herd immunity.
It’s cool. It’s cool. It’s probably not a mutant variant.

Coronavirus survivor's diary: Life after ventilators can be hell
If I want one of Providence’s ICU beds, that’s my right and it’s my decision. Deal with it!

***I also want to make a one-time-only, sincere Warrenton Warrior PSA (that you can feel free to skip). The science, technology (and clinical trial protocols) underlying the development and administration of these vaccines are both frickin’ rad and scalable from a manufacturing perspective. If you ever have a chance to take the Biology 220 course on CRISPR technology at Clatsop Community College, you should go for it. The mRNA vaccines, such as the ones developed by Pfizer and Moderna, are one of many medical (safe and effective) breakthroughs that we’ll see emerge from this technology in our lifetimes. COVID-19 is just one thing they will address. Managing all of the other viruses and oddball mutations you’ll get from living in Clatsop County are in the R&D pipeline too. You, a loved one or friend will inevitably and directly benefit from this science.

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