Top Schools in the Warrenton School District

EDITORIAL NOTE: The Warrenton Warlock is a new co-investigator and deep thinker for us here at warrentonwarrior.com. For the sake of full transparency, the Warlock has never attended any of these schools and he has no idea what he is talking about— the perfect expert for those who need the real scoop about which Warrenton schools are best for their child.

Thanks, The Editors

Whether you are moving into the Warrenton area or have a toddler with a desire to learn, the decision about where to send your precocious child to school can be very difficult. Warrenton has a number of options available to the discerning parent. Below you can find a short review of each school in the local area.

Public Schools:

Warrenton Prep

Preschool

Founded: 2012

Enrollment: Unknown

Curriculum: Social Skills, Reading, Writing, Cannery Management, Numbers

When I heard that there was a public preschool option in Warrenton, I became bewildered, and my head began to shudder uncontrollably. After reading further, I learned that children from Seaside and Astoria are also welcome, and that made a lot more sense to me. Their website has many pictures of smiling children and adults, so I have no reason to believe that any of them have gone missing.

Warrenton Grade School

Kindergarten – 8^th Grade

Founded: Unknown

Enrollment: 607

Curriculum: Track, Lego Robotics, Underwater Robotics, Football, Volleyball, Cross Country

At Warrenton Grade School, they like to teach what they call, “The Warrior Way”. I couldn’t find much else on this philosophy beyond the empty platitudes of mindless bureaucrats. I can only assume that it is repurposed teachings from the book, “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. I can’t really remember what happened in that book, but the cover had a kid disappearing at a gas station, so I’m going to assume that is what they are teaching. Hopefully gas station disappearances are a growth industry going forward.

Warrenton High School

9^th Grade – 12^th Grade

Founded: 1920

Enrollment: 242

Curriculum: Agriculture, Fish Hatchery, Softball, Drama, Academics

Warrenton High School has a Hall of Fame, beginning in 2007. It celebrates retired Warrenton students who excelled while in school or after, but mostly it’s about sports. I do not want you to think that I lack respect our communities athletes after reading that last sentence; it’s just that I placed7^th at the Clatsop County Regional Chess Tournament in 1995, and I have yet to be nominated for this distinguished honor. This shame remains mine and my family’s to bear.

Private:

Warrenton Head Start

Preschool – Kindergarten

Founded: 1964 by the Coward Lyndon Baines Johnson

Enrollment: Unknown

Curriculum: Secret

The Warrenton Head Start program is a comprehensive preschool program for families at or below the federal poverty guidelines. This is easily the best school in the district, so you should probably quit your job and send your child here. Trust me, it will be worth it in 20-30 years time.

North Coast Christian School

Kindergarten – 12^th grade

Founded: 1993

Enrollment: 88

Curriculum: Bible and Bible-Adjacent Studies

North Coast Christian teaches a system called “Abeka”, which is like regular school but with a strong flavor of Pat Robertson running through it. It is an accredited school, so when your child graduates they will definitely be ready for a nonsese college like Liberty University or GCU. I swear, it’s like some of you want your kids to fail at life.

Pleasant View Adventist School

1^st Grade, 3^rd Grade – 4^th Grade, 6^th Grade, 8^th Grade

Founded: Unknown

Enrollment: Unknown

Curriculum: Unfortunate

Shrouded in secrecy. I cannot in good conscience recommend this school. First, I have been over there and there is certainly no pleasant views in any direction. Secondly, it certainly seems like there are a number of gap years in the academic schedule. I’m pretty sure even Grand Canyon University would not accept you from this school, and they are desperate for fools and their money. I think if you send your child here you are asking for them to become a professional dunce.