First things first, if you think I haven’t noticed the errant “J” at the end of “Oregon” in the title of this post, you’re wrong. I’ve noticed it for a long time and just don’t feel like fixing it. You don’t have to look very hard for many similar examples at WarrentonWarrior.com
Second, Warrenton, Oregon offers many opportunities to improve your love life, whether you’re looking to fix a broken romantic relationship, building the confidence to tell your “crush” that you’re wicked into them, or simply hoping to get laid on Valentines day.
Here are the Top 5 that the Warrenton Warrior recommends:
5. Purchase a Plain Cheese Pizza at Fultano’s and eat it next door at Mini Mart
Purchase a large, plain cheese pie to go and bring it to this table, here under the Oregon Lottery TV, at Mini Mart. You should be facing the TV, while your mate faces the window. Don’t say anything to your mate during the date. Just grab a pen and pad and play Oregon Lottery’s Lucky Lines while ignoring him/her completely.
Finally, let your mate know that you’re trying to get their attention by wearing something stunning.
Ladies, I suggest large Gigot sleeves that are slimmed with a seam line dropped the shoulder of your dress. A tight fitting, boned bodice should be slanted to emphasize the waist. Cartridge pleats at the waist are a nice touch, providing volume in the skirt without adding bulk to the waist.
Guys, wear hunting clothes that are comfortable and weather-appropriate. Your pants and shirt should keep your body from the elements and in the right temperature. They should also be colored brightly to keep you safe from other hunters during mating season.
4. Purchase a Candian Bacon and Pineapple Pizza at Fultano’s and share it with your lover inside Battery Russell
Don’t worry if you’re self-conscious about some sort of disgusting disfigurement, such as acne, dry skin, or frizzy hair. Just bring your date to Battery Russell at night, when it is very dark inside.
If you are ever on the receiving end of a proposal for a nighttime date at Battery Russell, however, you should let at least 3 close friends or family members know when you are going, who you will be with, and leave a trail of bread crumbs into its maze-like chambers. You might also consider letting the park rangers know of your visit in advance, so they can send a trained professional to patrol the area during your stay. I don’t want to raise any alarms here, but better safe than sorry.
3. Have a Fultano’s Meatza Pizza delivered to the Domino’s Pizza on Ensign Lane and share it with your spouse
Does your lover crave the deliciousness of Fultano’s, but prefers to dine in the discomfort of the Domino’s lounge? Can’t figure out where to make a reservation? Do both, you big dummy.
2. Pick up a Mona Lisa pizza at Fultano’s and eat it in your car/truck while driving back-and-forth by the home of the person who broke your heart
Stood-up or turned-down by your crush? No worries, you can still spend it “with” them by driving your car/truck back-and-forth on their street, or just blocking their driveway with your car/truck.
If you think he/she wants nothing to do with you now, this will further solidify that bond.
1. Eat a Taco Pizza at Fultano’s, alone, call your very secret crush on your burner phone, say nothing, and breathe heavily into the receiver
Are you a shy lady/guy? Do you have a hard time building up the confidence to make a pass at your secret crush, let alone ask them on a Valentine’s-day date at Battery Russell? Do you like to take a walk on the wild side? Do you want to get into a bit of trouble?
Yeah, you probably do. Stop by the AT&T store and pick up a few burner phones, activate them, head over to Fultano’s, order a Taco Pizza pie at Fultano’s, sit down at one of the tables, and start calling that person who you are totally in love with, but has never heard of you and/or doesn’t know you exist. When they pick up and/or voice-mail comes on, breathe really slowly and heavily into the receiver.
Repeat frequently until s/he finally gets you. I mean, really, really gets you.
Romantic problems solved.
You’re welcome,
The Warrenton Warrior
The Warrenton Warrior Reader 