Top 6 Tax Loopholes in Warrenton, Oregon That Will Blow Your Mind!!!

Thanks for voting in one of the most boring possible topics a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been dreading writing this one for you ingrates.

We’re in the steamy heat of tax season and I’m sure you’re looking for ways to pay as little into the pot as possible. Fortunately for residents of Warrenton, Oregon, you have 6 great options to help reduce your tax bill on April 15th.

6) Transform Your Beautiful Home Into a Nuisance Property

This is actually just a great way to get free labor, rather than a property tax loophole. That’s why it’s #6 on this list.

Warrenton has been grappling with nuisance properties ever since Fort Clatsop was erected over two hundred years ago. Fortunately, the City Commision has put together a plan to address nuisance properties, including having a real-life City Commissioner come out and help you clean things up. The results have been incredibly impressive, allowing residents to make massive improvements to their properties at absolutely little cost.

Don’t take my word for it, listen to The Daily Astorian’s Warrenton, Oregon correspondent, Katie Frankowicz, who recently reported:

“In general, the city has made a point of moving slowly on nuisance properties, giving people time to comply with the rules or show a good-faith effort. In several instances, City Commissioner Tom Dyer and a group of people have gone out to help property owners clean up sites. “

Commissioner Dyer recently spent a couple of days cleaning up this former Gas Station on Main Street:

Now take a look at this place. Amazing work, Tom!

So, if you’re a little light on liquid assets and don’t want to leverage your existing mortgage to make those improvements, scatter a few broken-down cars and appliances in your yard. The City Commision will be right over to clean things up and get your house into ship shape.

5) Lower The Estimated Value of Your Property

Looking to decrease your property taxes next year? Decrease your property appraisal by the State of Oregon.

Just a reminder, there’s two ways to do this.

First, you can decrease the value of your land by:

• Excavating the land, placing it closer to or lower than sea-level
• Removing any moats around your property, allowing easier access from east county invaders and tourists
• Removing greenery
• Adding cars, appliances, boats, trucks, logs, rocks, or encampments to your front yard
• Using moles

Second, you can decrease the value of your dwelling by:

• Breaking your windows or covering your windows with plaster/wood
• Removing rooms and square footage from your house
• Replacing your well-maintained hardwood floors with less expensive flooring from Home Depot
• Lowering the height of your ceilings
• Removing your roof and replace with tarp

4) Lower Your Reported Income

You probably already know that Oregon has one of the highest state income tax rates in the country. What you probably didn’t know is that there are many ways of hiding or obfuscating your real income as a means of avoiding paying taxes. The Warrior isn’t an accountant or anything. But, here are several, Warrenton, Oregon jobs that will pay you very little, thereby lowering your taxable income:

• Costco valet parking attendant
• Caruther’s Memorial Restroom and Park security guard
• City of Warrenton city commissioner
• Civil War Renacment actor at Fort Stevens
• Lewis and Clark expedition member actor at Fort Clatsop
• Freelance masseuse at the Shilo Inn & Spa
• Restroom attendant at Doogers

3) Open Formula Retail

This is one Warrentonians have already figured out. Formula retail refers to establishments with many locations and a consistent and recognizable product and appearance. And you’ve got these in spades.

Well-known fact: The Warrenton City Commisioners will give you a sweet tax break if you bring one of these into Warrenton, especially in the bustling North Coast Business Center. So, if you’ve ever dreamed of starting your own business, building it from the ground up, serving up something of value and relevance, and keeping that precious Warrenton dollar in the Warrenton community, DO NOT DO THAT. Instead, franchise a chain store while you still can (Warrenton is running out of possible chain stores quickly).

The Warrenton city planners appear to love fast-food chains in particular, like that Wendy’s that’s going to be right next to the Panda Express and Taco Bell. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Sounds so tasty.

Here’s a few chain store ideas you can still use to keep you business taxes really low:

1. A second Wendy’s next to Fred Meyers
2. A Taco Bell-KFC, somewhere near the exiting Taco Bell
3. Chase bank drive-up ATM machines at Delaura Beach Road, Battery Russell, at the North end of Enterprise St. in Hammond, in the WHS parking lot, inside of Arnie’s, etc.
4. A CVS right next to that Walgreen’s and the Shilo Inn.
5. A Duane Reade right next to the new CVS
6. A Boots next to that
7. Finally, a Rite Aid in the Young’s Bay Plaza
8. I think you can still squeeze in a Target or Sam’s Club next to the Wal-Mart, Costco or Fred Meyers
9. A Sears
10. Macy’s
11. JC Penny
12. Radio Shack(s)
13. Flagship Dave’s Bridal
14. A new mall with a JC Penny at one end and a Macy’s at the other end
15. Guitar Center

2) Senior Citizen Tax Deferral

If you’re over 65 and wasted too much of your lifelong earnings on expensive cable TV packages, you can get a pretty sweet property tax deferral. As far as I know, you can keep getting these quasi-loans to cover your Property Taxes from the State of Oregon in perpetuity until you die. So definitely do this. You probably don’t have any kids in public school anymore, so what do you care, right?

1) Move to Washington State

As you can probably tell, the Warrenton Warrior is done for the season. Maybe I’ll be back next Winter.

Your Very Close Buddy,

The Warrenton Warrior