People from Astoria, Seaside and Warrenton are leaving the county in droves, hoping to find more affordable living conditions.
You’ve probably seen it on your street.
A 2017 Range Rover with California plates pulls up to that house two down from yours that’s been on the market for 5 months. The plates are probably those douchey black ones that people used to use (and should only still use) for vintage cars. But culture’s eyes haven’t been on the ball and now these vintage-style plates are a feigned signal of taste among among the upper-middle class and wealthy vanity-plate set.
Within a month, a fresh new California state flag is raised over that home the Range Rover pulled up to. Within a year, that formerly modest single-story ranch-style home has been transformed into a 3,500 sq-foot “modern farm house”, also typical of the upper-middle class and wealthy, vanity plate set from California.
You’re psychologically defeated by the alien-ness of it all. Housing prices are increasing. The estimated price per square foot of your own dwelling is suddenly appraised at a higher value, and your wildly increased property taxes are no longer tenable for your Wendy’s shift manager wage.
You’ve started searching Zillow property prices in nearby locales like Knappa, Illwacco, then Tilamook, and then Lincoln City before realizing things aren’t getting any better there either. You eventually cross flippin’ Grant’s Pass off the list. And that’s insane. Because, while you’ve never said it out loud, Grants Pass was your last back-up plan, a plan you always assumed would be on the table. Grants Pass would accept you unconditionally, with open loving arms and sneaky feeling fingers.
Next thing you know, you’re renting a “room” in a formerly-mobile home on the Eastern beaches of the Salton Sea in the sunny depths of Imperial County, California. It’s not your dream house. But at least you’re paradoxically free of those douchey Californian neighbors.
You’re not alone in this experience. Over 3,385 residents emigrated from Clatsop County between 2012 and 2016 because you can’t afford housing (or you’re just a regular 18 year-old kid looking to get the crud out of there).
Fortunately, Bill and Hillary Clinton’s deep state is tracking your every movement through the U.S. Census and the Warrenton Warrior knows exactly where you’re going (mad props to the Census for this post; check out the freakin’ data here to check the Warrior’s work).
And he can’t figure out whey the flip you’re going to these god-forsaken places. So he investigated these migration patterns very closely and made some illuminating discoveries.
Here’s the actual list of places your loved ones, friends and mortal enemies are moving to:
20. Riverside County, California
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 48 (+/- 43) between 2012 and 2016
(Ed. Note on the Margin of Error: The U.S. Census Bureau relies on a smaller-scale “American Community Survey” to estimate migration statistics, not the full-blown U.S. Census. That means the Bureau takes a small, quasi-random sample of county residents and asks them, “did you live in another county last year?” Based on those results, the Bureau extraploates/estimates how many people in the actual county population might have moved from County X, based on the sample size and county population size. For counties with small populations, such as Clatsop County, the margins of error will be really high in proportion to the migration estimate. For Riverside, the margin of error of +/- 43 means that the real number of migrants from Clatsop county is likely anywhere between 5 and 91. I bet you wish you didn’t read this.)
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Riverside County:
Ignorance and mid-century architecture.
Notable Quotes From Recent Migrants:
“I grew up watching Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and I really wanted to send my sons to San Dimas High. San Dimas High School Football Rules!”
– Todd L., Esq, Manzanita, 44 years-old
“I always wanted to live in Southern California, with the sun, palm trees and celebrities. Nobody warned me what it was like in the Inland Empire, though. There’s a reason it’s affordable to live here.”
– James J., Astoria, 28 years-old
19. San Diego County, California
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 50 (+/- 64) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to San Diego County:
BumbleBee Seafoods is poaching top talent from Pacific Coast Seafoods. That, plus the rolled tacos, border walls, and Lego Land.
Notable Quotes:
“I wanted to live on the least aesthetically pleasant part of the Pacific Ocean I found that at Imperial Beach.”
– Ben K., Astoria, 50 years-old
“A lot of people think that Ocatillo Wells is just a place to move to if you want to do meth and ride dirt bikes. It’s so much more than that. It’s a community where you aren’t made fun of for having a ‘blue lives matter’ or confederate flag on your ATV. That’s hard to find in California.”
– John J., Knappa, 24 years-old
18. Adams County, Washington
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 55 (+/- 94) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Adams County:
Adams county is centrally located between two places people might want to get to, in Sourthernish, Eastern Washington state. It’s where Clatsop County residents move to when they’ve lost all hope.
Notable Quotes:
“My idiot son moved to Ritzville 15 years ago because of a girl. Now, they want me to move to a nursing home out there. He keeps saying, ‘Rose Garden Estates is a retirement community, not a nursing home.’ But look at their website…. I don’t want to die in that shithole.”
– Sharon Z., Cannon Beach, 83 years-old
“At some point, you just cry, ‘uncle’.”
– Devin M., Jewell, 91 years-old
17. Chelan County, Washington
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 55 (+/- 94) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County Is Moving to Chelan County, Washington:
Chelan County, Washington, is best known for its quaint 19th century Bavarian-styled town, Leavenworth. Less known, is that Chelan County also hosts numerous 19th century Bavarian maladies, including rampant Tuberculosis, Typhoid Fever, Cholera, illegitimate birth, and frequent potato famines.
Notable Quotes:
“All of the websites said it was a cozy and charming little Bavarian village. I got Cholera within the first month of moving here. Let me tell you, there’s nothing charming about rice-water diarrhea that smells like fish food”
– Lil’ B., Seaside, 39 years-old
16. Walla Walla, Washington
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 56 (+/- 84) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Walla Walla:
Young idealists from Astoria, Seaside and Cannon Beach over-romanticize a hard life of grape growing and wine making.
Notable Quotes:
“I figured this would be a fairly pastoral place. But it’s not. It’s ruled by ruthless oligarchical families like the Clubbs [L’Ecole 41], the Derbins [Spring Valley Vineyards] and the Leonettis These guys are cut-throat. When I was apprenticing with the winemaker at Spring Valley the family had me rough up a Wine Advocate reviewer that gave our 2014 Cab 89 points. A week later, they issued a revision giving it a 94… which it obviously doesn’t deserve “
– Chase N., Astoria, 27 years-old
“I didn’t do my homework before moving here. It’s not like the Willamette Valley, let alone Napa or Sonoma, where you have a pretty steady flow of tasting room traffic. This is the middle of nowhere. We just dump most of the allotted tasting room bottles every afternoon and don’t tell anyone so the [redacted] family keeps the tasting room open and we keep our jobs. It’s kinda sad.”
– Jennifer A., Seaside, 25 years-old
15. Ventura County, California
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 60 (+/- 93) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Ventura County:
Biotech giant, Amgen, is luring top area graduates to it’s headquarters in Thousand Oaks. Also, several Clatsop County residents relocated to Oxnard in 2011, sight unseen, because they thought the name, “Oxnard” was really funny.
Notable Quotes:
“The lab equipment in the Amgen Building 7 Cell Culture Suite is sick. Much nicer than the bioreactors we built out of stolen glass buoys when I was at Warrenton High”
– Muncha M., Warrenton, 20 years-old
“I thought Ventura was going to be beaches, warm ocean water, clear skies and easy living. But most of the county is on fire year-round.”
– James J., Astoria, 28 years-old
14. Walker County, Georgia
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 64 (+/- 70) between 2012 and 2016
I don’t believe anyone from the Oregon Coast would willingly move to this part of the United States– no matter how far they’ve fallen from grace. I’m racking this one up to statistical error/and or Census fraud.
13. Clark County, Washington
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 67 (+/- 46) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clastop County is Moving to Clark County, Washington:
This is where Clatsop County residents go when they’ve had enough of the nanny state and want to pump their own gas.
Notable Quotes:
“I moved here when Vancouver struck down the unlawful camping ordinance in 2017. I’m a nature enthusiast who prefers to live off of the land, using a range of skills I’ve picked up in the military, through backpacking in Asia, and by watching a lot of TV. Now, I can practice my survival arts in an urban environment, within the the boundaries of the law.”
-Jeff C., Elsie, 42 years-old
12. Tillamook County, Oregon
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 69 (+/- 76) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Tillamook County:
County residents receive a 10% discount at the Tilamook Creamery (FKA Cheese Factory) gift store.
Notable Quotes:
“Isn’t Tillamook in Clatsop County?”
-Bethany K., Wuana, 21 years-old
11. Monterey County, California
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 83 (+/- 130) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Monterey, California:
The city of Monterey is where Clatsop County residents move to when they’re ready for a more “upscale” version of Seaside.
Notable Quotes:
“Came here because, first, I’m a Steinbeck fan, and two, I thought I could get my old cannery job back. But, shoot, Cannery Row is justa bunch of candy stores and gift shops.”
-Blake, N., Warrenton, 49 years-old
[Incomprehensible whale sounds]
-Marley, A., Astoria, 22 years-old
“Pebble Beach ain’t got shit on the Astoria Country Club”
-Dennis M., Unincorporated County Land, 66 years-old
10. Coos County, Oregon
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 84 (+/- 80) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Coos Bay County, Oregon:
The somewhere between 4 and 164 people that have migrated from Clatsop to Coos Bay County know something that, deep down inside, you’ve always suspected. Coos Bay County is just a little bit better at everything that Clatsop County. The beaches are nicer, the golfing is superior, the hiking opportunities are better. There’s less traffic. In fact, you could say that the only thing Clatsop County wins at is the sheer volume of fast food restaurants (thank you Warrenton City Commissioners).
9. Cowlitz County, Washington
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 87 (+/- 95) between 2012 and 2016
John Carpenter and M. Night Shyamalan just pitched this film to several studios: You’ve lived your entire young life in Clatsop County. At the age of 18, you’ve visited Portland exactly twice. You’ve been to Seattle once on a field trip. You have never ridden on an airplane. Even more esoteric, you have never ridden on an elevator. You graduate from high school and spend an additional 3 years living with your parents, working 30 hours per-week at Taco Bell. You dream of leaving Clastop County. It becomes an all-consuming passion of yours. You finally save enough of your shift wages to put first and last down on a one bedroom apartment and make a move. That move is to Longview, WA.
The Census data suggests this actually happened to somewhere between -8 and 182 people between 2012 and 2016.
8. Clackamas County, Oregon
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 97 (+/- 88) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clastop County is Moving to Clackamas County
Nostalgia for the 80’s when the Clackamas Town Center was the economic and cultural center of Oregon. Also, pretty low bar for being a “participating member of society” in some of its towns, particularly Oregon City.
Notable Quotes:
“I moved to Milwaukee, just off of 99-E about 20 years ago. I mean, it’s still cool here. Pretty much do the same stuff [I did] in Astoria. Grippin’ rips, playing video games, hanging with buds. Comcast service is worse here. But pretty much the same.”
-Marcel L., Astoria, 41 years-old
7. Seattle, Washington
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 110 (+/- 145) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clastop County is Moving to King County, Washington
Despite being listed as one of the more expensive cities to live in on the West Coast, locals in-the-know are taking advantage of very affordable housing underneath many of the cities bridges and freeway overpasses. Between -35 and 255 Clatsop County residents packed up and moved to one of these areas between 2012 and 2016 to escape the high cost of living in Astoria, Seaside, Warrenton, etc.
Notable Quotes:
“Well, living in one of these [affordable housing zones] up here has been a learning experience. If anyone wants to move up here, I suggest you sleep in the open. If you’re in a shelter or in a hidden place, you’re way more likely to get [effed] up and jacked.”
-Emma C., Manzanita, 38 years-old
6. Cape Cod, Massachusetts?
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 137 (+/- 221) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clastop County is Moving to Cape Cod, Massachusetts
These migrants must be pretty desperate to move to Cape Cod. WHen you see it in movies or TV, they’ve almost always filmed it during the one or two weeks when the weather is sort of temperate. Don’t be fooled (like the -84 to 358 of you have moved there recently). This place is like Siberia without the culture.
Notable Quotes:
“The coast guard relocated me here. It’s not fun. It’s cold and my family hates it. Everyone here thinks that Dunkin Donuts is okay to eat. It’s a freak show.”
-John J., Astoria, 35 years-old
5. Great Falls, Montana?
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 146 (+/- 219) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clastop County is Moving to Great Falls, Montana
Bio Oregon has almost completed a state-of-the-art Seed Vault underneath about 1500 feet of frozen tundra in Great Falls, to protect their intellectual property (e.g., Scotchbroom, Salal etc.) from a variety of environmental and social threats. A small team of top-notch scientists are overseeing the project. Expect all 146 scientists to return to Clatsop County upon the project’s completion in Q3-2020.
4. Portland, Oregon
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 180 (+/- 92) between 2012 and 2016
Portland wasn’t really on anyone’s radar in Clatsop County until Portlandia first aired on IFC in 2011. The secret’s out now, and every aspiring Clatsop County 20- 30- or 40-something ‘hipster’ is moving there to take advantage of its laid back vibes, affordable housing, cheap eats, and thriving artistic community.
Notable Quotes:
“It’s just crazy here. There’s like a new band starting every day. So many shows, and such a supportive scene. I mean, I saw that old guy from Crackerbash at Fred Meyer’s the other day. You’re literally tripping over talent.”
-Linda Z., Seaside, 27 years-old
“I can’t believe I grew up just 80 miles from here. Never heard of it until like 2013 when a friend showed me some YouTube clips of Portlandia. It’s like Astoria, only, like, three times as big. Super cool.”
-Andy J., Astoria, 39 years-old
3. Salem, Oregon
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 210 (+/- 166) between 2012 and 2016
Clatsop County has sent around 210 of its residents to the numerous private and state prisons in the Salem, Oregon area, according to Census figures.
2. Washington County, Oregon
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 227(+/- 99) between 2012 and 2016
This is the county that people who say, “I’m moving to Portland” move to when they’re actually moving to Hillsboro or Beaverton. Being home to an Intel campus, the Nike global HQ and Genentech’s western distribution center, it also boasts the only Oregon economy with anything resembling global relevance.
Notable Quotes:
“I told all of my friends that I was moving to Portland when I was really moving to Beaverton near that Applebees on 185th. And, for like 6 or 7 months, I’d meet up with my friends from Astoria in actual Portland when they were in town. But I’d always make up some story about why I couldn’t show them my place (I lied I lived in Cow Hollow). Eventually, Becky ratted me out and we’re still not on speaking terms. I’m still humiliated.”
Tonya H., Astoria, 23 years-old
“I tried living in Portland for a little while, out on NE 181st. But I couldn’t get used to the big city life. I moved to Hillsboro and I like that a lot more. I’m only like a little over an hour away from home or, I mean my parents home in Warrenton. But I can still tell people I’m living in Portland. Most people in Clatsop County just think of all of those places as “Portland.”
Ritesh G., Warrenton, 20 years-old
1. Phoenix, Arizona
Clatsop County Emigration Statistics: 342 (+/- 229) between 2012 and 2016
Why Clatsop County is Moving to Phoenix:
Phoenix provides novel levels of oppressive heat, low humidity, and sunshine to people who still want the flatness and many chain stores that they have become accustomed to in Warrenton.
Notable Quotes:
“I’ve never seen a house with air conditioning before. It’s everywhere here. I love it!”
– Suzanne B., Hammond, 68 years-old
“I lived in Astoria all my life and never got sunburned. That gives me an advantage in the construction job market here in Phoenix because I can stay outside all day and get burned real bad. I probably won’t get the skin cancer because I didn’t see the sun most my life.”
– James J., Astoria, 43 years-old
And there you go. Top 20 places people in Clatsop County are emigrating to to escape outrageous housing costs.
Warmest Regards,
The Warrenton Warrior
The Warrenton Warrior Reader 
Out standing . 😂
LikeLike
Seriously a problem.
I’ve seen people move there to work at the mill and only give up due to the low wage (for the type of work) and high cost of living.
You will soon be ran out by Californians and golf carts.
LikeLike
Just moved here recently but with all these wonderful places you just told me about starting to have second thoughts 😁
LikeLike